Jimmy Taylor

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Justin Bieber Is The Greatest Rock Star Of The Modern Era!

Where the Hell did all the rock stars go?! Remember when being a rock star really meant something? When was the last time someone threw a television out of a hotel window?
Our biggest rock stars have faded away. Ozzy and David Lee Roth are too old, Axl Rose lives in a treehouse somewhere and Bono is in Africa knitting mosquito nets.
Our current rock stars aren't doing any better. You'd think they would've learned a few things from their forefathers. Corey Taylor is writing books about ghosts, M. Shadows' flat screen TV doesn't have any bullet holes in it, and Dave Grohl is too nice of a guy to cause trouble. The last cool rock star move we had was former Warrant singer Jani Lane overdosing on blow (would of been funnier if he OD'd on cherry pie, right...hello?)
 
Kanye West said the HE was the biggest rock star on the planet (He also said he invented leather jogging pants). Sorry Kanye, rock stars don't look like chipmunks and pick on skinny girl country singers. They do slap around their girlfriends, so get to it!
 
I think today's rock star is out of ideas too. The look used to be long hair and spandex, then they cut their hair off and wore flannel shirts, now it's no hair and crazy beards. I don't want my rock star to look like the guy I get firewood from.
 
Rock Stars used to be on the cover of Circus magazine and Hit Parader (do those even exist anymore?). Their faces were plastered everywhere. Now if the guy from Muse or "Mr. WhatsHisBeard" from The Black Keys walked in, I wouldn't even recognize them. I'd probably ask them to "bring my car around."
 
So while Gene Simmons preps his reality show, Bret Michaels shops for bandanas, and David Draiman stays at home and plays "Mr. Mom" we have only one man keeping the rock star spirit alive, and that man is Mr. Justin Bieber!
 
Justin Bieber is the greatest rock star alive! I know it's blasphemy to say that, but hear me out.
The last couple of years, the Biebs has really been living the rock star lifestyle. It's like he is Ozzy, Axl, Jon Bon Jovi, and Michael Jackson all rolled into one!
 
He's flipped off and fought the paparazzi (one photographer was even killed trying to get his picture), he's was nailing Selena Gomez, smoking weed, caught driving over 100 mph, getting tattoos, and even said, he hoped that holocaust victim Anne Frank "would of been a Belieber." (Bieber fans are called "Beliebers") For goodness sake he owned a pet monkey too!
 
Oh, you want more? Within the past few days, down in Brazil, the little bastard walked off stage during a concert and didn't return (after being hit by a bottle), was caught coming out of a brothel and had a warrant issued for his arrest after being caught vandalizing property. And he did all of this, with perfect hair.
 
Told you he was the greatest rock star alive. Oh, shut up, you'd trade places with him in a second. 
Sure, he hasn't snorted a line of ants yet, but give him time, he's only 19 years old.
 
ATTENTION ROCK STARS! As rock fans, we need you to step up your game! Trash a hotel room, go on a three day cocaine binge, slap a super model! What's wrong with you guys? Don't let this Canadian pop tart steal your thunder! You're letting us all down!
 
Don't worry rock n' roll purists, there's a great chance Bieber ends up atop the heap of washed up teen idols, piled upon
has-beens like Leif Garrett and the Rico Suave' guy. If we're really lucky, he'll checkout like Kurt Cobain.
 
If you think I'm wrong, yell at me. comment below or tweet me @JimmyFromPhilly
 
  • Jimmy


Comments

wendella728 - You are a really great writer, Jimmy.  (I recognize, of course, your article is completely satirical and as offensive as you may be, you don't actually condone violence against women.  Right?) Keep us entertained by blogging more!  

Jimmy Taylor's picture

Jimmy Taylor - Hi Wendella728. I do not condone violence against women at all! Maybe if it's a Kardashian...maybe. While writing the post, I couldn't help but notice some similarities in behavior between the Biebs and Axl Rose. Axl famously slapped his super model girlfriend back in the day, so that is why I made the referance. Thank you for the kind words and recognizing the satire.  

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