UCrew Update

Thoughts from My Mattress Volume 3


Hi again, it’s John Holmberg from my perfectly spelled Tuft & Needle mattress. Come with my mind just before I drift into a slumber-land of wonderful bliss. These thoughts are provided by a mattress that didn’t put me in debt. No one sleeps well on a mattress they are in debt over. Never finance a mattress! Are you insane??? OK, back to the soothing thoughts from my Tuft & Needle mattress.

My wife celebrates a birthday in May. She asked for a few things for a gift. Then she bought those things and called them gifts from me. What if I didn’t wanna get her anything this year? She owes me money, I think. I’ll ask for it for my birthday.

I have no tattoos on my body. In 2016, I am rebellious by having clean skin. Take that, the man!

Do people who make pens and pencils see the writing on the wall that pens and pencils are becoming obsolete?

Sometimes when my body hurts, I google symptoms. By my web diagnosis, I have actually had ovarian cysts…twice.

Sometimes when I internet research my ailments, I’m disappointed when it’s not really serious. Is that narcissism?

Why doesn’t the History Channel ever do a show about a time when everyone was happy and peaceful?

How often do you suppose Angelina Jolie has watched a Friends rerun and said, “Does she want him back? He farts in his sleep constantly.” He’s got flaws too, you know.

Which was first, checkers or chess? Either way the inventor of the latter was a real jerk to the former.

How do you describe the taste of chicken to someone who has never tried it?

I think after age 30, just thinking about Oreos has a caloric value.

Do people with billions of dollars have a $500 ATM limit? How frustrating is that? I guess we are all the same.

Can you imagine the discussion that ensued after the very first French Kiss?  “What the hell did we just invent?” And is there a guy from somewhere other than France who feels like his idea was stolen from him? Would we still do it if it were called a Greek Lick? Probably, we’re all perverts.

Why does everyone at the table laugh like creepy weirdos when a waiter says, “anyone save room for dessert?” We react like he asked us all to get naked. We shouldn’t be surprised anymore. It’s part of the dining experience.

Think about this…if there are laws passed to only use the bathroom that coincides with your birth certificate there would be no more unemployment. Every bathroom in America would have a person checking your papers so you pee in the correct room. Millions of jobs created because we pee wrong according to the government. I know that’s silly but so is the debate about restrooms and birth certificates.

I can’t keep my eyes open. Sleep with me, on a Tuft & Needle.

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