UCrew Update

Thoughts from My Mattress Volume 4


I have a friend who is 5’7″ tall. He openly admits he has little man syndrome. He’s a heightist. He makes fun of dudes shorter than him. Makes me wonder, in the world of dwarfs if you’re short, even for a dwarf, can you have little
man’s-little man syndrome? You’d be mad all of the time.

Speaking of that, is two dwarfs fighting to the death violent or adorable? Discuss…

Has anyone ever gone to someone else’s house and said “Ugh, I absolutely hated the decorative bowl on their coffee table?” The answer is no. So why do we care so much about the bowl when we shop for one?

Women – stop saying, “I have nothing to wear,” to men. We don’t understand it. The closet is full of clothes with sales tags. You have a lot to wear. You all say it and it lacks logic and reason. We, as men, will never understand it. It’s time to say a new thing. Your way is not working and is just causing problems.

Phoenicians! Stop acting surprised by the temperature. I get saying, “It’s hot,” but not, “Can you believe how hot it is?” That can’t be said anymore. It happens every year at the exact same time. If it’s ever 120 degrees in December fire off that phrase all day with great surprise. But until then, asking if anyone can believe it’s hot…in June…in the desert, is dumb. You might as well just say, “my face is on the front of my head.” Or, “I breathe air on earth.” Stop it.

I accidentally ate the paper wrapped around my microwave burrito. I didn’t notice until my 3rd bite. How bad are microwave burritos?

Imagine a candidate for president that had an absolutely undeniable plan to fix just about everything in our country. Border issues, crime, the budget, all solved. Every issue, you name it. He has a plan that we all agree upon. Then he grows a Hitler mustache and he refuses to shave it. Would you vote for him? I think it changes everything.

Has a woman in history ever been so evil she ruined a hairstyle or a fashion? It makes me grateful there’s never been an evil female dictator who was known for her thigh high stockings and push-up bras.

Why is there always a delay when informing someone they have food on their chin? It should be an immediate verbal exchange but there’s always those few moments of hope that they’ll wipe it off or it will fall off on its own. Thousands of years of humanity with food on their face and it never falls off. It absolutely never ever falls off. Never.

Does ANYONE like when a kid does a commercial for a car dealership or cell phones or flooring? Why would any advertiser think a child is going to convince me to buy something? When was the last time you’ve ever said, “I think I’m going to let that 8-year-old do my taxes. He knows how to get deals!” Stop it. Use a lizard, I trust spokes-lizards.

When I lay down in bed, my last thought every night is, “Did I set my alarm?” Then I check. It’s usually set. Then I settle back in and think, “Did I just turn it off?” And I check again…EVERY NIGHT.

Can you be friends with someone that doesn’t laugh when they see someone fall down? It’s always funny at first. Then you check for injury. Skipping the laugh part means you’re a psychopath, doesn’t it?

Women are lucky when it comes to stores. There isn’t a store that makes them feel like they are weird for being there. That’s not the same for us men. This is my way of saying I shouldn’t have been in “Forever 21” for longer than 1 minute.

Men’s stores almost always have something for women. All women’s stores have for men are creepy chairs outside of the dressing room. I like to sit in those and tell people they look funny when they come out.

I’m especially sleepy now. Off to the Tuft & Needle created wonderland of slumber.

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